[ what do you say to that, honestly? bucky doesn't want to think so deeply, to read into what he's seeing printed on the screen, because— because then, what? is there room for that here, now? he's a mess. steve deserves better than a mess. friend or anything else, something else, steve deserves more than a fucked up shadow from the past. ]
it's always been to the end of the line, in every way that mattered.
[To Steve it never mattered however it was between them. All he knew was that he loved Bucky, had loved him when he was a nobody that people enjoyed beating up and loved him even more when he'd made a name for himself. There was no one else that he'd give up his life for like that. They could be the best of friends, or anything else they wanted to be. It really didn't matter to the man as long as he kept Bucky there with him, near him in his life every day for the rest of it, from this point forward.]
he knows about this. they call it— what was it, bisexuality, that's what you called it when a person had room in their heart for more than one person, and for more than just a man or a woman. they have a label for many types, these days, and he's been called a bigot for sticking with the terms he knew, but he knows this one. at the very least, he's looked it up, learned the shape of the word, because it's what he is too, he thinks. he loves women, and he loves steve.
maybe he should've been more open-minded, should've considered that maybe steve would be like this too. but then that would mean opening the door to hope, and that's scary enough on its own. ]
it's been the same for me, too, stevie. i just never thought you were looking my way.
[Maybe there were labels for it, but to Steve the labels never matter because it'd only ever been the two people really. Maybe if he'd looked or wanted to, he'd find something else. Lord knows Natasha had pushed him to try, but his heart wasn't into it. Steve figured he'd spend the rest of his life alone, and he was willing to accept that. He had great friends through the Avengers, even with the fights they had, they were still a family of sorts.
It was different when Bucky showed up, not that Steve expected their friendship to change but he knew that he wasn't alone anymore. He had as close to a life partner as he'd ever need.
The text though. Steve had never dared to dream that it would turn to his favor in this way. At least he thinks that's what Bucky is saying. ]
All this time. I never thought that you'd ever love me beyond a friend. I mean, if that's what you're saying. I don't want to put words in your mouth, Buck. Tell me that's what you're saying?
[ bucky's thoughts turn— dark, conflicted. steve is his closest friend, he's like family, he's his best guy and he'd die for him a hundred times over if it meant steve got to live another day.
what if this crosses the line, what if this is what unravels the threads that bind them? he fears the consequences but not for himself, because who gives a shit about the man they call the winter soldier? but steve — what if he hurts him with this? this could scar them, if they fall apart on each other. if they lose each other again, this time without having to die to do it.
haven't they both suffered enough? god, what is he doing? ]
i've never loved anyone more than i've loved you. don't think i ever will, either.
you're it for me, steve. i won't survive it if you died on me.
[the weight of the text he put out sets heavy in Steve's gut. It's like his whole world sits on pause. Words that he could never imagine saying before are right there in front of him next to a waiting prompt. They come across at the speed of nothing. Nothing he understands anyhow.
With that there's another kind of wait. The terrifying one that Steve has to face as he watches the three little dots move and stop and then move again. What if this wasn't what Bucky meant for some reason, what if Steve read it all wrong and put himself out there between them, and it was nothing like he'd always dreamed of, always hoped for.
It would rip him to shreds now. How could he breathe again, if the world turned away the possibility of a life where Steve could really live and not merely exist. ]
Thank God. I thought for a second you were going to say that you didn't. I don't think I could have made it back again without you. I've wanted this for so long.
I've lost you before and I drove a plane into frozen waters. I would do the same all over again. You're all I've ever wanted, the one I've truly loved my whole life, Bucky.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@captainavenger
steve.
[ what do you say to that, honestly? bucky doesn't want to think so deeply, to read into what he's seeing printed on the screen, because— because then, what? is there room for that here, now? he's a mess. steve deserves better than a mess. friend or anything else, something else, steve deserves more than a fucked up shadow from the past. ]
what are you telling me, buddy?
no subject
it's always been to the end of the line, in every way that mattered.
[To Steve it never mattered however it was between them. All he knew was that he loved Bucky, had loved him when he was a nobody that people enjoyed beating up and loved him even more when he'd made a name for himself. There was no one else that he'd give up his life for like that. They could be the best of friends, or anything else they wanted to be. It really didn't matter to the man as long as he kept Bucky there with him, near him in his life every day for the rest of it, from this point forward.]
no subject
he knows about this. they call it— what was it, bisexuality, that's what you called it when a person had room in their heart for more than one person, and for more than just a man or a woman. they have a label for many types, these days, and he's been called a bigot for sticking with the terms he knew, but he knows this one. at the very least, he's looked it up, learned the shape of the word, because it's what he is too, he thinks. he loves women, and he loves steve.
maybe he should've been more open-minded, should've considered that maybe steve would be like this too. but then that would mean opening the door to hope, and that's scary enough on its own. ]
it's been the same for me, too, stevie. i just never thought you were looking my way.
no subject
It was different when Bucky showed up, not that Steve expected their friendship to change but he knew that he wasn't alone anymore. He had as close to a life partner as he'd ever need.
The text though. Steve had never dared to dream that it would turn to his favor in this way. At least he thinks that's what Bucky is saying. ]
All this time. I never thought that you'd ever love me beyond a friend. I mean, if that's what you're saying. I don't want to put words in your mouth, Buck. Tell me that's what you're saying?
no subject
what if this crosses the line, what if this is what unravels the threads that bind them? he fears the consequences but not for himself, because who gives a shit about the man they call the winter soldier? but steve — what if he hurts him with this? this could scar them, if they fall apart on each other. if they lose each other again, this time without having to die to do it.
haven't they both suffered enough? god, what is he doing? ]
i've never loved anyone more than i've loved you. don't think i ever will, either.
you're it for me, steve. i won't survive it if you died on me.
no subject
With that there's another kind of wait. The terrifying one that Steve has to face as he watches the three little dots move and stop and then move again. What if this wasn't what Bucky meant for some reason, what if Steve read it all wrong and put himself out there between them, and it was nothing like he'd always dreamed of, always hoped for.
It would rip him to shreds now. How could he breathe again, if the world turned away the possibility of a life where Steve could really live and not merely exist. ]
Thank God. I thought for a second you were going to say that you didn't. I don't think I could have made it back again without you. I've wanted this for so long.
I've lost you before and I drove a plane into frozen waters. I would do the same all over again. You're all I've ever wanted, the one I've truly loved my whole life, Bucky.